About

In case you’ve been on another planet (ha ha) for the past five years, my name is Gongleshanks and I am from planet Grimney. I arrived here some time ago with my fellow Grimniens to help the creatives of planet earth by Tweeting about them on Twitter.

I am an imp and I used to walk on my hands but since arriving here I have learned to walk on my feet. Being a Megastar I found this necessary in order to remain inconspicuous. Of course I still get recognised everywhere I go but …. not as much as I did when I walked on my hands!

This was me when I first arrived on your planet:

gongleshanks

Although I’m the biggest Megastar in the universe I am often quite approachable so don’t be afraid to speak to me, especially if you are a musician, artist, author or any type of creative human who would like me to tweet about you on my Twitter page

This is our team and a bit of information about our various platforms:

You can follow the other Grimniens on Twitter if you like but they are  nowhere as entertaining as me! :-

,

Sponsor

For new followers:

We have several platforms where we can showcase ‘creatives including our very own bookshop where authors don’t pay any commission:

http://www.mineeye.co.uk/

Our weekly paper which comes out every Sunday:

and Celebrity VoiceBox our very own magazine:

http://hotvipnews.com/

And as if that’s not enough our very own Steve Luff broadcasts every Thursday night on https://twitter.com/blackcat107fm       

If you follow Steve on Twitter you can send him your music and he may give you some airplay!

I started to write a book about the Grimniens but I let a prolific writer read it and he said it was rubbish! Not in so many words and I did put it down to jealousy:-) but for all you nosey humans here is the first chapter which explains who we are and why we are here:

Don’t use the ‘R’ word

Once upon a time there lived a wizard by the name of Grimnien. He lived in a fantasy world all of his own, this land was called Grimney. Many strange creatures inhabited the land of Grimney and when they were not at war fighting to control the land, they spent their days painting, reading books and writing.One day Grimnien was sat in the woods chatting to his friends when he stunned everybody by announcing ‘I’m bored!’

‘You’re bored?’ repeated Morton the slimy clam ‘Well what do you want to do Grimnien?’ Grimnien looked thoughtful for a moment then he turned to Morton and said ‘I want to start an online empire’

Everyone stopped chatting idly and turned their attention to the strange wizard who was wearing a very expensive looking dress.

Kara Jarina a beautiful and enchanting lady was first to speak ‘If you want to spend the day creating an empire dear Grimnien then that is what you must do.’ Kara then resumed her welding.

Without another word Grimnien arose elegantly – as befits someone wearing a very expensive dress – and staggered off into the woods. He staggered because he was wearing exceedingly high heels, not the best attire for hiking but…..well, that’s Grimnien for you!

After some time he re-appeared accompanied by a very handsome man who walked towards the group of friends on his hands.

‘This is Gongleshanks’ said Grimnien, ‘he is joining my empire. He used to be Meadow Goblinglitter but I changed her into a man’.

‘Ooooh’ piped up Morton, ‘Why did you change Meadow into a man?’

‘Every empire has a handsome and charismatic man on the team’ replied Grimnien with a vague expression on his face.

‘But why is he upside down?’ Morton continued.

Grimnien’s eyes became clear now and he spoke with great determination. ‘Ah, yes, why indeed Morton’ he began. ‘I can tell you exactly why Gongleshanks is upside down young………..clam. Goodness, yes indeedy………….and well spotted, you are indeed a very observant young……..clam! The reason why Gongleshanks, the handsome, charismatic man is upside down is…………because…………my spell went wrong. Yes, that’s it…………that’s what happened the spell went wrong, it was a mistake, that, Morton is why Gongleshanks is upside down.’

The wizard smiled contentedly to himself, quietly pleased with his clear and intelligent explanation.

Wendel, the Mayor of Dingletown grabbed hold of Gongle’s foot and shook it vigorously. ‘I was very pleased to meet you tomorrow’ said Wendel because he was extremely stupid.

‘OK’ announced the elegantly dressed wizard’ There is no time like the future we had better make a start for we have a long and arduous journey ahead of us.’

‘But…..where are we going?’ protested Kara as she lifted her welding mask.

‘We are going to Twitterland’ beamed Grimnien. ‘I have heard tell that there are many unhappy people in this land. There are writers and painters and poets and minstrels of great quality but nobody will give them the time of day because a tyrant has taken over the land. He has created a huge empire and mesmerised the population into believing that the only creative people worth seeing are the ones that he chooses to show on the watchy box and has commanded that nobody else will be allowed into his empire unless they have been chosen by him or one of his close friends.

At this, the band of creatures rolled around on the ground laughing and holding their tummies because their chuckle muscles were hurting.

‘Oh Grimnien!’ they gasped, ‘Where do you get these outlandish ideas, ha ha, hee hee, as if that could really happen!’

Grimnien stepped over them and continued, ‘We must make tracks if we are to save the creatives of earth.

The group stopped laughing and picked themselves up because they could see by the absent expression on the wizard’s face that he was in no mood for jollity and was indeed serious about saving the creative people of earth from a life of anonymity.

That is how the Grimniens came to be in twitterland and the rest – as they say – is history.

The group worked hard from their little office and made lots of friends in Twitterland. Grimnien spent his days scouring the haberdashery shops for sequins because he was obsessed with sparkly things. Success quickly went to Morton’s head and he lavished allsorts of expensive gifts on himself including the latest model Clambretta. He soon found that his clambretta attracted lots of ladies and he began to disappear on ‘business’ trips with alarming regularity. Beautiful Kara became a workaholic, locked away with mountains of paperwork for months on end and Gongleshanks met the love of his life, a girl from Miami who was the perfect partner for the imp because she always turned a blind eye to his philandering, presumably hoping that one day he would settle down and mend his ways – Yes in a way, Ann was as big a dreamer as Grimnien!

One sunny day Grimnien decided to bring in a new staff member and turned up with an old, rusty, tin knight by the name of Garlan. The team were told that Garlan had worshipped gold before coming to Twitterland. To teach him a valuable lesson (see what I did there!) some wizard had turned Garlan into metal ‘because he loved the stuff so much’ The only way Garlan could regain his original form and be reunited with his lady, Ambrosia was to perform many good deeds without accepting any payment whatsoever – making a position on the staff at Voice Box Promotions ideal.

Things were going well in Twitterland for many months then one day Gongleshanks walked into the office, and put his hands into a pool of clam slime. As he stood unsteadily on his feet wiping his hands on Grimnien’s blouse he surveyed the strange scene in his place of work, the clam hanging from the ceiling dripping slime, Grimnien counting his sequins and Garlan scrubbing himself with a brillo pad and he thought to himself:

‘This is not how I envisaged my life when I was a young girl.’

Gongle thought he needed a rest so he took himself off to his private island in the middle of the Carribean to have a think about his life……….

When he returned more staff had joined the team, There was Garli, a sun Goddess, Ursula, a bit of a mystery that one! and a Master swordsman by the name of Killgin………

18 months later………….

Grimnien had called a meeting. He wanted to update everybody on how things were going in Twitterland. He had decided to hold the meeting in the open air and so he began……..

‘Things need to change!’ he bellowed. ‘You are all getting out of control! He waved his magic wand as he spoke and a great roar of thunder encircled the group. Blinding flashes of lightning crackled around the great wizard and there was a mighty roar as the heavens opened.

As rain started to soak the Grimniens Garli shouted ‘You should have listened to Sian Lloyd, she said a storm was heading this way.The rain battered them and within seconds the Grimniens were soaked to the skin.  Grimnien pulled his cardigan over his bald head and declared ‘We will continue this meeting indoors.’ They all scurried into Kara’s house looking like wet dishcloths.

Everyone huddled round in the large dining room and dripped all over the parquet floor.

‘Ahem’ went on Grimnien ‘as I was saying, I expect better things from you team!’ He thumped his fist on the dining table and everyone in the room sat cringing and desperately avoiding eye contact with the great wizard. Not because Grimnien was in a bad mood but because they were desperately struggling not to laugh out loud. It was hard to take Grimnien seriously as he stood yelling at them in his frilly dress clutching his red handbag. I mean, the red handbag just did NOT go with the yellow polka dot dress! The wizard looked ridiculous.

‘Can I make a suggestion?’ piped up Garli but then stopped mid-sentence……….

‘Yeuch’ she exclaimed as a large glob of slime landed on her nose. ‘MORTON!’ she screamed ‘How many times do we have to tell you to STOP hanging on the ceiling!’

Morton had no social skills, he just didn’t see that it wasn’t pleasant having slime dripped on you when you were trying to address a serious meeting.

Just then the beautiful Kara slid off her hobnail boot and scratched her foot vigorously

‘They look so trendy on the adverts’ she exclaimed ‘but they don’t half make your feet sweat’

Everyone turned to glare at Kara for being so uncouth – apart, of course, from Gongleshanks who sat gazing at her with a silly grin on his face because in his eyes Kara could do no wrong.

‘Ahem, Order’ shouted Grimnien can we get on please…..’

Just then a tiny voice piped up

‘Oooh I need a wee’ it was Hall the cartoon causing the latest disturbance.

‘Don’t be so ridiculous’ shouted Gongleshanks ‘Cartoons don’t need to wee, cartoons don’t EAT, cartoons don’t DRINK, and therefore cartoons DON’T NEED TO WEE!’ When will you get it into that thick pencil lined head of yours Hall YOU ARE A CARTOON!

A hush fell over the room at Gongle’s harsh words

‘Actually’ said Kara ‘you need to stop being so dramatic Gongle and get back to reality’

At this, gasps went around the room. ‘Ahh ‘said Ursula ‘Kara said the R word’

Everybody knows that the R word is the most insulting thing you can say to a Grimnien

‘This is getting too silly for words’ exclaimed Morton, the slimy clam. ‘At the end of the day NONE of us are real, in fact Gongleshanks is making this up just so he can write a book!’

‘Aha’ retorted Gongleshanks ‘If none of us are real how can I be writing a book?’

‘Mmmmm it’s a fair point’ interjected Grimnien for he was a very wise wizard.

‘I’ll show YOU who’s not real’ snapped Hall who had regained her composure by now. She jumped up from her chair and tweaked Gongle’s nose. ‘Oww’ said Gongle…….NO it was harder than that……..’OUCH’ screamed Gongle………yes, that’s more like it.

Just then Killgin Stark shot up out of his seat……and immediately slumped back down, for he was drunk from the fumes emanating from Hall’s wet ink.

COME ON! Gongleshanks!’ snapped Grimnien ‘If you don’t get on with it you’ll never finish this book, it’s pretty rubbish as it is’

‘Rubbish is it’ exclaimed Gongle ‘I can only work with the tools I’ve been given! If it’s rubbish it’s because of the characters YOU created. How would you like it if somebody said to you……Go and write a book, I’ll give you some characters and you write the story. There’s an imp who’s upside down, a slimy clam, a wizard with a bald head who wears dresses, a beautiful woman who wears hobnail boots, a yellow faced lady, a fearsome warrior who slices boulders in half with his sword and……writes beautiful poetry, a strange woman called Ursula who nobody really knows anything about, a cartoon sketch on a bit of paper who hops round in circles and collects twigs,   a red haired woman from Miami who is going to be your wife and a dragon catcher called Meadow who adores ironing AND incidentally was you before I changed you into an imp. Now be a good chap and go and knock a bestseller off for me.’

After Gongle’s boring rant the Grimniens had become disinterested, Morton was busily eating Kara’s chintz curtains, Meadow was ironing some imaginary handsome man’s shirt, Hall was prancing around in a ball gown holding her favourite twig, Grimnien was admiring some sequins he’d found in his handbag Garli was gazing at a sunbeam that had miraculously appeared through the clouds and Ursula was batting her eyelashes at a bemused Simon.

‘Sorry’ said Grimnien to Gongle ‘Did you say something?’

Just then there was a loud knock at the door which startled the group back to rea……erm the R word.

Meadow slammed her iron down.’ I’ll get it then shall I?’ she said sarcastically as she marched to the door.

As she opened the door a pile of leaves swirled in followed by An Marie and Sian’

‘Hello cariads’ beamed Sian, for she was Welsh and she didn’t care who knew it. ‘I came to tell you that the storm is going to be much worse than I originally predicted…….’ She trailed off as she looked around the room at the sodden and bedraggled Grimniens and realised that her warning had come too late………Well she IS a weather forecaster!

Sian Lloyd, dear reader, is a TV weather presenter in the United Kingdom for those who didn’t know and YES Sian, whatever YOU may think there are some who have never heard of you!

Grimnien beckoned the two ladies to take a  seat, he was anxious to get the meeting finished because he was now feeling quite uncomfortable in his soggy dress and badly needed to take a shower and slip into something comfortable.

He looked directly at Gongleshanks, ‘It has come to my attention that you have been becoming increasingly rude to our Twitter followers’ he said ‘If you are not careful young imp you are going to alienate people.

Gongle, who was not used to criticism jumped to the defence.

‘Well YOU created me!’ he retorted, ‘If you wanted some nice, polite person to tweet for you, you shouldn’t have made a cheeky imp!’

Grimnien grimaced at the remark because he knew deep down that it was true. Everything the Grimniens did on Twitter was down to him, he was the head honcho after all and the buck had to stop with him.

‘I……’ went on Gongle ‘am a product of your imagination Grimnien. I was created by a fictional character’. He wiped the silly grin off his face momentarily and looked serious. He looked around the room accusingly, ‘We are ALL fictional characters’ he went on ‘apart from   Sian and An Marie of course. Forgive me for using the R word but I need to use strong language in order for you all to realise the gravity of the situation that we find ourselves in. None of this is real, not the setting, not me, not you, not Grimnien, none of it! Humans don’t realise what they are messing with when they start ‘playing God’ and ‘creating’ people. Do they not realise that even fictional characters have feelings?

Grimnien shuffled around uncomfortably, apart from his sodden dress, well……..let’s face it; NOBODY likes being told that they are just a figment of somebody else’s imagination – especially when the person doing the telling is a figment of somebody’s imagination.

Just a little side note here: The author of this book IS real but he/she has asserted his/her right to remain anonymous because he/she does not relish the idea of being ‘carted off in a strait jacket’ If I refer to the author again I shall refer to him/her as him otherwise the writing is going to start looking jerky.

I think maybe I should tell you a little bit about the author. What shall I call him…………let’s say, Bob, for simplicity’s sake. So Bob has never been ‘into’ fiction and has read very few fictional books. He has not made a ‘plan’ about this book, he has just plunged headlong into writing it in the vague hope that it will all work out fine in the end. The critics and reviewers among you will now be nodding smugly and thinking ‘Yep, I KNEW it’ being the highly qualified critic that you are, probably never having written a hilarious fantasy book in your life!

Anyway, Bob is not exactly the sort of person who likes to be told how to do things which, in some ways is a good thing and in other ways is a bad thing. The point is Bob doesn’t really care about rules and regulations. When Bob gets an idea Bob likes to plunge headlong into it and throw caution to the wind. When Grimnien introduced him to a fantasy world, it sort of went to Bob’s head! He found himself so deeply immersed in fantasy that he went a bit mad, I suppose he was making up for lost time not having been the sort to fantasise before he met the wizard. Anyway that’s enough about Bob because real people are pretty boring, you know what I mean?

Now, where was I?…………….

Kara’s lovely little house was increasingly looking like a Grimney swamp between the pools of rain water on the floor, the steam rising from the Grimniens’ clothes and the slime which Morton was dripping all over the place, it really wasn’t a ‘home from home’ type scenario.

Now, you may think it slightly odd that a slimy clam is tweeting on Twitter and has over fifty thousand followers. What you may not know is that Morton the clam was once a very accomplished Master wizard, perhaps even more accomplished than Grimnien but, I agree, that isn’t saying much! One day Morton was experimenting when he accidentally turned himself into a clam. I don’t know if you’ve heard but clams are not generally recognised for their intellect and because the wizard was now a clam he didn’t have the wizardly know how to turn himself back.

An Marie, the American feminist who was betrothed to Gongleshanks suddenely broke into everyone’s thoughts when she asked Kara, ‘Are you a feminist Kara?’ Kara eyed the strange American vaguely and muttered back, ‘I’m not an anything ist, I’m just me’ An Marie’s jaw dropped at this evasive reply, I mean, how can you sink your teeth into a good debate about feminism with someone who refused to be drawn on the subject?

Speaking of people being drawn, Hall the cartoon lady who referred to Gongleshanks as ‘Pesky Imp’ was busy chucking acorns around Kara’s dining room which was no longer the clean and tidy room that the gang had poured into an hour before. Everyone liked Hall…..even Gongleshanks although he didn’t like to admit it. Gongle liked to think he held the monopoly on making people laugh you see, and the little ‘Sketch’ as he called her was quite adept at it. Hall had funny bones but it’s unclear how this was the case because she didn’t ACTUALLY have any bones – being a sketch you understand.

By now it had dawned on Grimnien that it was pointless to try to continue with the meeting and he desperately needed to get his high heels off and to escape from the dripping dress which was making his tights cling to his hairy legs. He didn’t like to appear in front of his creations looking so unkempt.

‘We will resume this meeting at a later date’ he announced in a grand, wizard like voice which was clearly at odds with his appearance. ‘When,’ he went on ‘Bob gets up in the middle of the night with more brilliant ideas’ He emphasised the word, brilliant and Bob thought that he detected a note of sarcasm but he quickly dismissed the thought rationalising to himself that the wizard was merely in a bad mood from getting his frilly dress spoiled in the violent storm which Sian had failed to predict……………….

to be continued …….

So there you have it folks – if you’re still there:

You can follow the other Grimniens on Twitter if you like but they are  nowhere as entertaining as me! :-

,

Sponsor

For new followers:

We have several platforms where we can showcase ‘creatives including our very own bookshop where authors don’t pay any commission:

http://www.mineeye.co.uk/

Our weekly paper which comes out every Sunday:

and Celebrity VoiceBox our very own magazine:

http://hotvipnews.com/

And as if that’s not enough our very own Steve Luff broadcasts every Thursday night on https://twitter.com/blackcat107fm       

If you follow Steve on Twitter you can send him your music and he may give you some airplay!

 

 

 

 

 

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